Uh Oh.

I have no passion for what I do.

I thought I did... all this time but I was wrong. I guess. When faced with the question "Are you just chasing the Hollywood dream or do you wanna do something you love for the rest of your life?" I couldn't answer. I don't know if I really love music enough to sacrifice all my life for it. I've spent years doing just that and I'm already tired. Tired of being left back and watching everyone cruise forward. I feel stuck in a timestamp. Stuck in a frame of mind that never changed. I'm 20 and am already so weary and bitter about it all. I feel older than i am. But not wiser.
I think the dream has the true appeal. Anyone who says they want to be a musician when they grow up think there's some gorgeous path to go down. That it all ends wonderfully even without the fame and glory. But I really don't think it does. Everyone traveling this road feels the same.
Maybe I'm not as driven as I thought.
I will let everyone down. If i haven't already. I feel put on a pedestal by my friends. Like I'm the politician that promised the reforms and near to the end of my term without any promises fulfilled in sight.
I'm not as great as they think. I don't know what they see that I don't see. I wish I could see whatever it is they see. I wish i could hear what they hear. Maybe my senses are warped not in my favor. Being told you have a gift but not being able to sense it most days is hard. I wish I could though. I wish I knew and could fit those words and glory better.
I wish for confidence and assurance. Maybe a finger or signal in the right direction.

I dunno.

Maybe I'm as aimless as this blog.

Love&sugar,

Just Sarah Tonight.

The Passing Of Michael Jackson

A Michael Jackson cassette was the first tape I ever owned. That was one of my most prized possessions and treasured memories. As a musician now, I can honestly say that Michael Jackson was my first musical influence. I was head over heels for him when I was growing up and to this day cannot deny how big of an impact he made on me personally and musically. What an incredible person. I will always remember him as the seemingly immortal King Of Pop. No one can replace him. My condolences to all the broken hearted fans and family members mourning today.

Love&sugar,
Sarah Rocks

Please Embed This Everywhere.

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"The Bleeding Heart Musician" Is Dead.

I know so many people who go through the struggle everyday. With music I mean. Which means with life for me and the lot of them.

Just the other day someone asked me if I ever feel like giving up because this business seems to have no room for anyone. And I brushed it off because I was in a rather chipper mood. But as I sit here and ponder my surroundings and my hopes I realize that it's not only about not being the only person going down the bumpy road. It's also about being perhaps part of the majority who never stop and plug away until time swallows you whole and then spits you back out when you're 45. 45 and still being evicted and playing for free.

Of all things in the world i'm afraid of that.

The mere threat of me having no beautiful future and never being heard scares me to the point of chills. The worst thing is that I can't stop and those people, even if they had a chance, can't stop either. This is it. This is life for us bleeding heart musicians. We want nothing else but to chase the dream. We won't give up and people see that as brave where we only see foolishness. It's hard to believe you're brave when everything is passing you by and nothing comes your way. People move on and grow up but musicians are sent to a parallel universe where you can plug away and watch everyone else grow and succeed yet you're still stuck in the same time frame as you were in 1983.

What's funny. Nothing really but... a curious point is that the bands of legend and world famous musicians out there write the songs about The bleeding heart musician. They praise them by the book but cut them no slack in real time. Bleeding heart musicians are the foundation of Rock N Roll. They're what it's all about. They're the ghosts from the past that residually keep playing those shitty gigs and shoot up to forget that they're a mess and get drunk to numb the pain of weariness. It's funny how that works right? Right.

What's even better is this: we tell children to follow their dreams and never stop. That what can be imagined can be done or created. Once you turn 18 you're supposed to know that it was all a lie to keep your thoughts happily occupied.

How painfully heart-breaking.

You're a failure if you're a daydream believer.

With no future to look forward to.

That's the truth.

That's life.

That's the music biz, baby.

Love&sugar,

Sarah Rocks!

Om Mani Padme Hum.

Hey!

So, Omo stayed the night last night and we spent today together. It was a very relaxing day. My parents left for the keys as anticipated. Which gave us proper alone time to bond sister to sister.

This morning we woke up and had breakfast around 10. And, as planned, decided to go out and meditate under the tree. I burned a CD of Tibetan Monks chanting and oriental bells tolling. The weather this morn was phenomenal. We sat under the tree and burned incense while listening to the echoing of monks harmonizing.
I remember sitting and drifting away to Tibet on a dusty cliff somewhere. Then I was underneath a tree of cherry blossoms lying down as the blossoms swam likes schools of fish on the wind currents. When we came out of it Omo tried to teach me "Tree Stance". I'm not very balanced.. physically or emotionally so this wasn't really accomplished. But it was cool trying.
We both layed beneath the trees looking up at the branches and sky. I was most at peace there. Facing the sky with nothing but the ground below. It was a great feeling being that physically close to the earth and then spiritually so very high in the sky far far away.
I realized that when you're in tune to nature and only see growing beauty and life surrounding you, nothing else in the world matters. No problems can even phase you. You can try to dwell on them or think of the severity but in that moment it doesn't matter and nothing hurts. I think I felt true inner peace. While in that frame of mind, I heard something inside me whisper that it was all going to be okay. With that one phrase I heard a million echos that said everything would work out, that I would make my dreams real, that there's nothing to be afraid of and that I should recover from my recent doubt of myself and walk back to the path of me knowing that there is something about me different from the rest. That I am that special one in a million regardless of what I think.
Luckily i chewed back those tears that were welling up and took a deep breath of relief instead. It was a very comforting moment.
Omo quickly grew hungry so we went in after our retreat from the norm, ordered a 'za and watched "Hocus Pocus". After the movie we decided to go for a stroll around the boulevard and down the lane. The afternoon was very hot and dry. Deffo not a good day to wear black. We went into this two story plaza not too far from my house and checked out the second floor German Bistro. Originally omo and I were joking about buying liquor but instead had a delish round of iced coffee served with vanilla ice cream and plenty of whip. It was plenty of bang for the buck and quite pleasant. The bistro was adorable and rather pricey. Well worth it though.
We returned to my house and shortly thereafter Omo left with Gustavo back to their golf course.
I miss having Omo around often. With everything in life, it's all more meaningful and memorable when it's fleeting. I hope we see eachother again soon. And I hope she finds happiness in her new endeavors. I hope I find happiness in my endeavors too. I've been told it's not a waste. That it's worth it. Certainly not from my parents but from Omo and good friends who have more faith in me at times than I do in myself. I wouldn't go on without someone to believe in me. Sometimes it's so hard to motivate yourself when your own flame is flickering out.

I think we all should realize that any road worth traveling down will have bumps along the way.

love&sugar,

Sarah Rocks!