Uh Oh.
I have no passion for what I do.
I thought I did... all this time but I was wrong. I guess. When faced with the question "Are you just chasing the Hollywood dream or do you wanna do something you love for the rest of your life?" I couldn't answer. I don't know if I really love music enough to sacrifice all my life for it. I've spent years doing just that and I'm already tired. Tired of being left back and watching everyone cruise forward. I feel stuck in a timestamp. Stuck in a frame of mind that never changed. I'm 20 and am already so weary and bitter about it all. I feel older than i am. But not wiser.
I think the dream has the true appeal. Anyone who says they want to be a musician when they grow up think there's some gorgeous path to go down. That it all ends wonderfully even without the fame and glory. But I really don't think it does. Everyone traveling this road feels the same.
Maybe I'm not as driven as I thought.
I will let everyone down. If i haven't already. I feel put on a pedestal by my friends. Like I'm the politician that promised the reforms and near to the end of my term without any promises fulfilled in sight.
I'm not as great as they think. I don't know what they see that I don't see. I wish I could see whatever it is they see. I wish i could hear what they hear. Maybe my senses are warped not in my favor. Being told you have a gift but not being able to sense it most days is hard. I wish I could though. I wish I knew and could fit those words and glory better.
I wish for confidence and assurance. Maybe a finger or signal in the right direction.
