Each Night I Ask The Stars Up Above...
Hey
So I haven't updated my blog for the last, what, like three days now(?) because I've had to whole heartedly reflect the last couple of days.
Thursday was my birthday. My Dad brought home a cake decorated with a red guitar that said "Happy Birthday Sarah Rocks!" It was pretty cool. And oh, so delicious! That night I contemplated breaking up with my love.
{ Now, I'm going to pause for a second to explain the whole side-story of my love. My love shall remain just that. I don't want to use any names just because it's something important to me that I keep hidden because I don't want it to get ruined. I love him. Or at least I think I do. We've known each other for about six years, give or take. He's great and really my first love. We were great as friends but when it turned into this "Relationship" things got sloppy. We had a fight because I wanted to go to the way things were before: Just friends. He had a major problem and didn't want to handle it. We stopped talking for almost a year. Then I was the one to go crawling back and all he wants is a relationship. So up until now, he's been my love. }
I told him that I wanted to just be friends. Because we weren't working out and just arguing all the time. He got upset and said to just leave then. I changed my mind the next day because I didn't want to hurt him. Then I told him Friday night that I wanted to end it. And he just simply did the same thing. That night I thought.. A lot. I mean, I've just turned 18 and can barely stand on my own. The next day I ended up feeling right as rain and got back together. Then doomsday came.
He's Roman Catholic... Devout catholic. I'm not. I'm the total opposite: Wiccan. I Don't really feel to strongly about Catholics because I grew up in a catholic home and it's not pretty. At least that's the taste I've developed for it.
We were talking about religion and I told him this. He didn't exactly take it lightly. He tried to make me feel guilty about it and of course he took his arsenal in defense. A true crusader I guess. Anyhow, I ended up just wanting him to shut up. So when trying to change the subject doesn't work what do you do? Agree. You agree with everything the person says until they've dug themselves into a nice little hole. That erupted into a total fiasco of horror.
He told me that he thinks that I hate him because I hate his religion. He told me that I was a bad person. He told me that I needed to change for the better. He told me that I needed to be a better person. He told me that we HAD to make things work. He said " We're going to work this out.. RIGHT?" "You love me... RIGHT?" Talk about pressure.
I don't know what love is tonight. I talked to my confidant Ofi. And she told me that if he can't see that I'm a good person (Because I truly Am) then he's not worth it. She told me that what he has been doing (i.e making me feel bad, making me think that I'm to blame, the reverse psychology, changing myself, brainwashing etc. etc.) is a form of emotional abuse. I had no idea and was smacked in the face viciously.
... What exactly do you do when you realize that the person you love, the person you've known for years, the one you trust with everything and couldn't go a day without is trying to manipulate you?
I'm still trying to figure it out.
It's possible that it's just his nature. That he can't help it but I'm scared that it's purposely.
Other than that things are going well. I've bonded with my Dad the last two days. We never bond but we have been and it's been great. Maybe because I've matured and aren't worried about everyday teen living that I can actually afford to make the effort of growing closer to my Dad.
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